May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
