we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
