I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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