my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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