The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
