Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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