Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
