Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
