There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
