she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So squirting runs in the family.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
