Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
