Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
