I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
