matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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