May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
