I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
