i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
