I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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