This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
