Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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