i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
