oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
