The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
