i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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