I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
