I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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