Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
