I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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