dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
