I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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