I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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