new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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