does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
