Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
