the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
