man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize