..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
