Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You pole danced in your parka.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
