well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize