just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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