I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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