Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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