I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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