dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
