I'm gonna have a badass scar
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
