He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
