my phone needs a breathalizer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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