it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
