she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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