she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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