Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
