what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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