my mouth tastes like poor choices
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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