just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
