eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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