Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
