You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
