Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
